THE A-Z OF SELF ISOLATION


Somewhat naively, I held out the hope that writing about music might eventually lead to paid work. Then, in this imaginary scenario, that a regular column might materialise, a screenplay or two and even a novel. Well, you have to start somewhere so here is an attempt at topical humour coupled with the opportunity to discover words you might otherwise have not encountered. You may indeed require the assistance of Alexa or one of her mates or, failing that, a fast-acting sedative, as I proudly present The A-Z of Self Isolation.

A Aelf Isolation

The end of open-source blockchain networks as we know them.

B Bookshelf Isolation

Failing to admit that the only book you own is by E L James.

C Continental Shelf Isolation

Hiding in a diving bell yet close enough to shore to surface and order a takeaway.

D Delph Isolation

Training alone at Everton FC after all your team mates have caught the virus.

E Elf Isolation

What Santa might do if the virus is still around by Christmas.

F Foreself Isolation

Taking playing with yourself to extremes.

G Gandalf Isolation

Realising the police might stop you making An Unexpected Journey to buy Part 2 of The Hobbit.

H Hirself Isolation

A gender neutral means of ploughing your own furrow.

I Ice Shelf Isolation

A product of global warming.

J Jalfrezi Isolation

Finding that the ready meals section in Sainsburys has been decimated.

K Kliph Isolation

What happened when the drummer left The Flaming Lips in 2014.

L Leulf Isolation

Holing out in a San Diego forest.

M Magicelf Isolation

Avoiding short and weird persons or amazingly adorable, weird girls.

N Nonself Isolation

Just don’t come near me with that foreign body of yours.

O Oneself Isolation

What Prince Charles does.

P Polycell Isolation

Using the excuse that DIY stores are shut to avoid doing any home DIY.

Q Quelf Isolation

By which you drive yourself mad playing this board game you’ve never heard of on your own.

R Rabidelf Isolation

Delete all your followers while adopting the pose of a mature father figure who picks arguments with younger people online.

S Self Isolation

What you really, really want to do after wading through this list.

T Tibshelf Isolation

Journeying to a small Derbyshire village to escape the masses while avoiding police drones.

U Ulleskelf Isolation

Journeying to a small North Yorks village to escape… (yawn)

V Velf Isolation

What a Void Elf does to lie low during World of Warcraft.

W Wealth Isolation

What you might wish on the worst kind of capitalists.

X Xcel Isolation

Fairly easy right now while the Elmbridge Leisure Complex remains closed.

Y Yusuf Isolation

Learning the chords to Mr Islam’s entire repertoire on your own.

Z Zilch Isolation

Finally admitting that nothing beginning with a Z really rhymes that well.

There. Enriched your life with this knowledge has become. Thank you, Yoda.

FIFTY3 champions

outstanding contemporary music through news, album reviews, features, live reviews and interviews. 

 

Music is a great passion of mine. In my teenage years I was an avid record collector and concert goer. Stints as a booking agent, running folk clubs, promoting gigs and even a crack at artiste management followed. While it never became my main occupation, music was always on my personal radar.

 

Over the past 8 years I have written for the leading US music website Consequence of Sound and breakthrough act site, BestNewBands. I am a judge for Glastonbury Festival's Emerging Talent Competition and have regularly reviewed the festival for both sites.

 

Nothing gives me more pleasure than unearthing good, original new music and championing independent musicians. You’ll find many of them on this site alongside some legends of times past and I hope they will bring you as much joy as they give me.

 

Tony Hardy

UPCOMING GIGS 

 

Covid-19 has rather put paid to them but may I commend:

Mondays at 8pm: Cressida Ford's Almost Acoustic Show on Radio Scarborough

 

Wednesdays at 6pm: Hattie Briggs - live stream on FB & Insta

 

Daily on Twitter: Tim Burgess' Listening Party

Anytime for great live sets:  KEXP's YouTube channel 

banquetrecords.com: Kingston store may be physically closed but please support online. Check out live streaming shows too!

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