Somewhat naively, I held out the hope that writing about music might eventually lead to paid work. Then, in this imaginary scenario, that a regular column might materialise, a screenplay or two and even a novel. Well, you have to start somewhere so here is an attempt at topical humour coupled with the opportunity to discover words you might otherwise have not encountered. You may indeed require the assistance of Alexa or one of her mates or, failing that, a fast-acting sedative, as I proudly present The A-Z of Self Isolation.
A Aelf Isolation
The end of open-source blockchain networks as we know them.
B Bookshelf Isolation
Failing to admit that the only book you own is by E L James.
C Continental Shelf Isolation
Hiding in a diving bell yet close enough to shore to surface and order a takeaway.
D Delph Isolation
Training alone at Everton FC after all your team mates have caught the virus.
E Elf Isolation
What Santa might do if the virus is still around by Christmas.
F Foreself Isolation
Taking playing with yourself to extremes.
G Gandalf Isolation
Realising the police might stop you making An Unexpected Journey to buy Part 2 of The Hobbit.
H Hirself Isolation
A gender neutral means of ploughing your own furrow.
I Ice Shelf Isolation
A product of global warming.
J Jalfrezi Isolation
Finding that the ready meals section in Sainsburys has been decimated.
K Kliph Isolation –
What happened when the drummer left The Flaming Lips in 2014.
L Leulf Isolation
Holing out in a San Diego forest.
M Magicelf Isolation
Avoiding short and weird persons or amazingly adorable, weird girls.
N Nonself Isolation
Just don’t come near me with that foreign body of yours.
O Oneself Isolation
What Prince Charles does.
P Polycell Isolation
Using the excuse that DIY stores are shut to avoid doing any home DIY.
Q Quelf Isolation
By which you drive yourself mad playing this board game you’ve never heard of on your own.
R Rabidelf Isolation
Delete all your followers while adopting the pose of a mature father figure who picks arguments with younger people online.
S Self Isolation
What you really, really want to do after wading through this list.
T Tibshelf Isolation
Journeying to a small Derbyshire village to escape the masses while avoiding police drones.
U Ulleskelf Isolation
Journeying to a small North Yorks village to escape… (yawn)
V Velf Isolation
What a Void Elf does to lie low during World of Warcraft.
W Wealth Isolation
What you might wish on the worst kind of capitalists.
X Xcel Isolation
Fairly easy right now while the Elmbridge Leisure Complex remains closed.
Y Yusuf Isolation
Learning the chords to Mr Islam’s entire repertoire on your own.
Z Zilch Isolation
Finally admitting that nothing beginning with a Z really rhymes that well.
There. Enriched your life with this knowledge has become. Thank you, Yoda.